Ethnic School Memories

I first learned what humiliation was when I was enrolled in St. George's Ukrainian Saturday Morning School when i was in the 4th Grade. Now, as any child who has been forced into going to Ethnic School will tell you, missing saturday morning cartoons and getting extra homework every week is not a happy experience. Sadly for me, my parents figured that, since they were already driving my older sister on Saturday morning to advanced Ukrainian School, I might as well get put into the elementry school.



The principal of the school told my parents i had to start in the first grade with the 6 year olds.
I was 10.
Not only was I the biggest kid in the class, but everyone assumed that since my last name (Atwood) didn't sound the least bit Ukrainian (because it isn't) It was naturally assumed that I was The stupid english kid who failed grade 1 four times in a row. Needless to say... no one played with me at recess...
Kids can be so cruel...

Eventually I moved on to "Koorsih" which is kind of like Ukrainian Saturday High school. I did Ukrainian 10, 20 30. It was Hell. Hell on a stick.

Imagine Angry new immigrants who speak more Russian then Ukrainian working in an underpaid and underfunded basement of an Orthodox church with bratty high school kids. Now, imagine them with badly dyed eyebrows and bleached hair.
These were my teachers.

There was Pani (Mrs.) Ploohi. She tought us Geography. I think. She spoke so fast i didn't understand a thing. She liked to squeek the chalk on the board when we fell asleep. OnceThis guy Marko sat in the corner and we put our coats over him and he chucked cheese at her when her back was turned. She didn't think it wasas funny as we did.

In History we learned about the brave Cossaks and the Spread of Christianity by the Brave Prince Volodomyr of Kyiv Ukraine. NOT RUSSIA. UKRAINE. We also learned about the many tyranical countries that oppressed Ukraine over the course of 800 years. Here are a few:
Mongol Tribes
Lithuania
Poland
Germany
Austria Hungary
Tar Tar Nomads (NOMADS kicked our ass! Nomads.. how sad is that?)
and.. Everyones favorite to hate.. the Russ-kies

In Literature class my Friend did a Ukrainian Book Report on the well known Classic "Hop on Pop". (I think for Ukrainian Geography he also did a very moving paper on the city of Calgary)

Our literature teacher showed up hung over every week and we would have classes where we would read our text while she sat with her head on the desk for an hour and a half.
Every single story we read in that class involved:
A. Someone starving to death
B. Someone who had to walk a great distance and then starved to death
C. Someone who was looking for their lost love, and therefore had to walk a long distance and then starved to death.

In Languege Class my friend Anna and I would write crazy stories about Yaks, Snails with party hats and people with gigantic Afros. These were occasionally accompanied by a dynamic and moving dramatic interpretation.

We also dressed up as sheep for a class play once. We were the stars.

Well, I did learn stuff. I still have entire Taras Shevchenko poems memorized. At the drop of a hat, i am still able to name the different oblasts of Ukraine and tell you their key natural resourses. And I have an extraordinary ability to gripe about the many.. many.. countries that opressed the homeland. Yes, My Ukrainian Education will serve me well in the real world, don't you think?